Reflection
by Covert Affairs Intelligence
Summary: The past is the past. You can't change it. Shouldn't dwell on it, but sometimes you need to reflect on it.
1. Chapter 1

I wrote all of this on my phone and honestly I'm actually proud of the outcome. Just a short little one shot to tie us over. Let me know what u think please I may continue

* * *

Annie's heart broke into pieces all over again every time she heard his voice. Her heart was quite literally broken all the time due to who knows how many things.

It could've been the scar tissue from when Lena shot her, the drugs reaction that Eyal gave her, a virus she had contracted. The condition was without a doubt worse with all the stress and turmoil she had put her mind and body through the last 4 years.

**Myocarditis**.

The word rattled in her brain way to much. Annie used to define the world, control what she did, and push the limits. She thought "limit" was the most un useful word ever. She used to be a badass with no care in the world except get the job done no matter what. She used to trust with a open heart, and worry about liars later.

Now her body had limitations. Her brain could charge on, but sometimes her body couldn't catch up. It's like an internal race to see who will win. Her body or brain.

She knows continuing to push her hearts limits will only make the condition worse, that she can't do that anymore.

Trust is problematic, while the only person she fully trusts is herself she must learn again to trust others to help get because she used to be able to get stuff done on her own, now more than ever she need people.

**Emotions**.

Another word she can't seem to get rid of.

As much as she knows emotions shouldn't be allowed into the field. Emotions are part of life, and her life is the field.

She remembers something from a lifetime ago. "There are people that need the field, or there are people where the field needs them"

For the past 4 years she had considered herself the second, but now she realizes that she's turned into the first. Which is terrifying. The field doesn't need her or her failing heart, but she as a person needs the field because without it she is nothing.

She thinks she likes Ryan the way she thought she liked Ben, and Simon, but every time she talks to HIM she remembers what love is and it crashes down on her like a ton of bricks.

For now she will continue to live her life like this. Trying to numb the thoughts swirling in her head, and block out the worries of her heart, try to erase the emotions in the back of her mind but she knows that soon there must be

**Change**.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N so to be honest no sure i like how this turned out. it didn't necessarily go in the direction i wanted it to but this is what my magical hands typed... I'll try to steer myself back on the right path after this. **

**Let me know if you like or not**

"Well Ms. Morton," Dr. Gohen announced his arrival, "I have some good news and some bad news."

Annie took a deep breath bracing herself.

"You don't have myocarditis anymore."

She wrung her hands, "Uh, uh, can... how?" she settled on.

"Through the the tests we have taken today its confirmed that the small case of myocarditis you contracted is no longer an issue. I was concerned about how you would heal when you had given me the report that you had been shot in the heart, and that it had taken over 2 minutes for you to be revived, but I'm not anymore. Your heart is good condition."

She swallowed and shook her head trying to gather her thoughts, "Do you have any idea of what else the episodes could be?"

"Thats the bad news," He replied, "theres honestly thousands of possibilities. I'm going to ask you a series of questions, answer yes or no about what happens during these episodes and at the end I can direct you to one of my theories at which I can refer you a doctor to confirm.

She nodded and the questions began.

How Often had they happened?

Chest Pain?

Fainting?

Nausea? Dizziness? Lightheaded?

Numbness?

Racing heart?

Irritable?

Tiredness?

Sweating?

Shaking?

Tension?

...

"I have crossed out a huge list of possibilities from this. From the physical we gave, which you passed, I have to say that this seems to be more of a physiological issue. I am sensing something like anxiety or panic attacks. As you know that is not my field of expertise, but I can recommend you to someone...,"

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Four words that rattled Annie to the core. She hadn't felt like this since her sister kicked her out almost three years ago. She tried to convince herself it may not be PTSD, but she had read the symptoms, and furthermore she just knew. Annie had never had panic or anxiety attacks in her entire life, they didn't just magically appear.

"Yea, of course. I can be at work at five," Annie heard herself say to Auggie over the phone. She played it cool, like she wasn't sitting outside of a doctors office realizing her worst fears might be coming true, "Uh, I'll talk to you later."

You tell most people they have a heart disease and they are petrified. For Annie she was relieved to some extant. For her it was easier to come to terms with her body being messed up than her brain.

A heart condition that could be controlled she could hide from the CIA longer. PTSD there was no escaping. She hadn't had a psych evaluation yet, but it would be coming soon. If they even suspected the slightest bit of it she could be banned to desk duty, and then she would really go insane.

The farther she drove the darker her thoughts became she turned the radio up trying calm her mind. _Wouldn't it have been easier to just die then go through this? Why live? You have nothing to live for. You made sure no one cared about you. You broke it off with Auggie. You haven't spoken to Arthur in months. You try not to speak to Joan. Your sister thinks you are dead. You don't plan on ever talking to Eyal again. You pushed every one away, you forced yourself not to care about anyone, so why live?_

She hummed the words lightly telling herself not to think like that. Annie didn't give up. Annie was strong, determined. Annie was smart. Annie wasn't someone who would be weak enough to give up on life. Annie was...dead.

Annie really was dead because Annie was all of those things, but this new person was none of those. Annie became Jessica Mathews and Jessica became Lisa Morton and Lisa became Andrea Quinn on this newest mission. Annie had died 4 lifetimes ago, and by now there was no sign of her ever coming back.

_So why live?_


	3. Chapter 3

**hope you guys enjoy. I really still don't care for the direction this is headed but I'm going with it. And I've been drawing some inspiration from other fanfics so thank a special thanks to CA fanfic authors and a giant thanks to all my amazing reviewers followers and favoriters for asking me to continue. **

She only had to take one and thats all it took to make her feel amazing, perfect.

She had only taken one and it made her feel like shit knowing that she was at the point she HAD to take something. She should've got the damn help she needed when she could.

It only took two in twelve hours to get her hooked. She walked into work the next morning at five doing her best to stay in a straight lin sweating would go away.

_What the hell was I thinking?_

She had taken one to calm her nerves before bed because alcohol wouldn't cut it, even though she had seriously considered taking the whole bottle at first. She told herself no more ever again yet this morning she got so frazzled she had to take another.

_I knew it was a bad idea._

The instructions on the bottle specifically said to take one ever 12 hours if absolute necessary or directed by doctor, otherwise one ever 24 hours, considering they were a higher dosage than most.

"Annie" Joan said as Annie nearly collided into her.

"Oh, Joan. I'm so sorry," the blonde righted herself making the mistake to look Joan right into the eye.

"It's okay. Are you alright?" Whether it was from knowing Joan for so long or just being a spy she saw a shift in Joan in those few seconds. Joan had went from ice queen boss to caring mother.

"Yes" She said in a small voice with little conviction.

"Auggies not sending you anywhere until Friday. This is Arthur's day to work late, so Would u like to come over for dinner? That way you can meet McKenzie."

"I'm not sure," Annie managed to get out sounding tongue tied.

"It not an invitation, it's an order. Tonight at 7 please," With that's Joan breezed bye her.

Annie sighed, she knew Joan, and Joan wouldn't do this for just an reason. Then is dawned on her: Joan is in NA

_Oh god what if Joan knew?_

At 1pm she was almost halfway through her paperwork.

"Hey Annie do u think you could translate some papers later?" Auggie asked casually on the way back from a coffee break.

She looked at her watch 3 more hours for paper work and an 2 hours to translate the paper. She could be done by 7, probably.

"Sure why not." She agreed taking the papers.

Joan who always happened to be in the right place interrupted, "Actually, Annie can't do it. I think Clara might be able to though."

By the time Annie got to Joan's she was exhausted and drained.

She was actually happy she was coming for dinner, she hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast and she knew she didn't have the energy to make food, she could barely keep her eyes open.

She really wanted to take another one. They were in the side pocket of her purse just staring at her. If she took one now by the time she drove home it might be wearing off. It had been twelve hours and she was craving one.

_Annie you can't Joan might notice! But... But_

She caved, she took another one.

"It's great to see you out of work," Joan greeted her at the door, "I just put McKenzie down and set out plates."

"Oh okay. It's nice to see you to," Annie said and she followed Joan into the kitchen.

The first five minutes where deathly silent with the occasional clink of a fork.

"I'm just gonna jump straight to the point, what's going on? I know that those few hours you were gone in Venezuela something happened, I had Arthur look in the report. It said Walker was in distress and needed medical attention. So..."

Annie bit her lip. Joan didn't like Calder she might not tell him, she had no reason to tell Auggie. If she told Arthur it wouldn't be a big deal.

"I had myocarditis, but the doctors say it's gone. I... I haven't had it checked but the only other possibility for my episodes according to the doctor is panic/anxiety attacks and ... We'll... I think I have PTSD," Annie tried to shrug it off, she was really relieved to get it out.

"Annie," Joan started softly, "I had no idea." She took a minute to get her thoughts together, "But how have you been... Besides the whole heart/PTSD thing?"

It was clear the medication had effected her brain but there was still a trace of logic left and it screamed

**Help me.**

It was now or never,"I...I," She looked down ashamed of herself,"Please don't be mad at me," She said trying her best to hold back tears. It was now she realized how much of a loose canon she was... How much the pills made her feel amazing, irritable, and depressed all at the same time.

"Annie, whatever it is, I won't be mad. I might be disappointed. I won't let you go through this alone. You need a support system and people that care about you."

She nodded almost chickening out, "I took something," Joan didn't speak not wanting to push, but to let Annie volunteer when she was ready, "I took hydrocodone."

"How many times?" Joan asked sighing. She should've discussed this with Annie last week.

"Three, but I want to take more. They make me feel... Invincible," Annie admitted she pulled the bottle of pills out of her purse pushing them to Joan, "I, I don't wanna take anymore, I do, but I don't."

"It's not that easy and you know that," Joan took the bottle from Annie," Let's throw it away then." She stood up and walked to the sink, opened the lid and handed Annie the bottle, "It has to be your choice."

Annie dumped the bottle.

...…

Later that night she looked at her reflection hoping she could see some Annie in her eyes.

There was a sliver of Annie behind those icy eyes. A minuscule piece of Annie's sheer determination was saw tonight when she told Joan the truth. Annie wanted help, she didn't want to be a pill addict. She didn't want to do all of this alone. She wanted whatever help it took to make her Annie again.

The only problem was she had no idea what to do. She finally had the next 2 days off of work and she had no idea how she could spend them except alone. Wallowing in her bed, and with her recent improvements that wasn't an option.

_Just take it one day at a time._ Annie told herself Joan's exact words echoing in her mind.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n Annie's last 4 years have seemed pretty crazy why not throw in more obstacles she's had to overcome from her past. I think I remember some if these little things for the tv show and I tried to develop it into a bigger thing. Honestly we don't know much about Annie's past and her mom or dad. In one ep didn't she say something about how she couldn't wait to travel the world when she got old enough or something, idk... **

**Hope pe you like let me know what you think.**

After the next week she was more settled with the whole idea of seeing someone that may be able to help her.

Her appointment was at 1:30 in Langley. She spent the day convincing herself she was ready, that she could do it.

Then 1:00 rolled around and Annie seriously wanted Joan to accompany her to her appointment, while holding her hand.

She took a deep breath going to the elevator and "coincidentally" met Auggie, "Where to, Walker?" He asked once they where in the elevator, but he was already pressing 3, the physiologist and polygraph division.

"I heard Joan telling Calder earlier," Auggie started.

Annie swallowed not letting him get started with some kind if speech, "I'm scared Auggie," She admitted like a 5 old panicking because he was scared of the dark.

"Hey," He reached his hand into the air for get her take and she grabbed him in a hug, " it's okay. They aren't going to ask anything serious this time. That comes in later sessions and if you don't feel comfortable you can leave. I've been there and it's not the worst thing ever."

Annie nodded relishing this moment. The smell of Auggie made her want to hug him tighter, made her want to stay there forever. She was wrong DC wasn't home. CIA wasn't home. Work wasn't home. Auggie was her home.

All to soon the elevator was open and she somehow found herself in a office. A psychiatrist's office by the name of Martin Glover.

The room was modern, not cool like the DPD but plain and boring. Black furniture. Black leather chair that Martin was sitting in. A white futon that she assumed she was suppose to sit on. Honestly the room itself just have her chills. She bounced her leg up and down. Picked at her nail.

Finally he decided to talk. "Your name is Annie Walker would you mind if I called you Ms. Walker?"

Just the slightest mention of her name was starting to panic her, that is what Henry called her. How was she suppose to make it through an hour.

"I'd prefer Annie please," She tried to say in her normal tone of voice.

"And you have been working for the Central Intelligence Agency for 4 years?"

He sounded so professional and cold. She wanted someone who would tell their stories along with her, someone who would make her feel less alone.

She felt herself nodding, "this is my 5th year."

His question got more complex, but they were still easy day to day, casual life questions for the most part.

"Before we dive into the last year, or even the last five years let's go back even further. What was your life like growing up?"

She said the first thing that popped into her mind, "We moved around... A lot."

"Understandable considering that your Dad was in the military. So how about your Mom and Dad how were they?"

Annie really wanted to run away now. She would rather talk about Henry than this This was worse than that. No one at all had ever ask her about her life as a child.

She swallow the lie forming at the back of her throat. Joan had said there wasn't a point in coming if you were just going to lie your way through it.

"Mom was just there. She..uh.. Kept to herself for the most part. I think she was pretty depressed, that's how I remember her. She took care of Dani and I though and she tried to be the for is she really did, but it just didn't work. I don't know what happened really because I never asked but when I was 15 Mom went away and didn't come back until I was almost 17. Dani told me she was with Grandma in the states and at that point we were on the other side of the world. Mom never actually came back, she met us in Georgia when Dad was re assigned," Annie said letting memories she had kept in the most far corners of her mind come out.

"And your father? What was he like?"

"Laid back. When I was little up until I was about 13 we did everything together. I think he liked me more than Dani. He was the best father he could be with being in the military and all. He did have a mean streak that only Mom and I saw a few times. But he wasn't a bad father, I know he loved me. When I was a teenager I could do anything I wanted and get away with it for the most part. Dad tried it over look a lot of stuff, by then Dani had her own life, and I lied my way through my whole 16th year. Needless to say I never had many boundaries or parental figures."

"Did your Dad really understand you though? Did you enjoy traveling?"

"Not exactly. I wanted to stay in towns once I made friends and I always got mad on the inside when we had to leave. And we couldn't travel to pretty places I wanted to go to. I told myself that after college I would travel the world and do and see things that I really wanted to see," 30 minutes had already gone by, she sighed in relief looking at the clock.

"So what now? Do you and your family still have a good relationship?" He asked like he didn't already now, Annie almost scoffed, but held back.

"My Dad cheated on Mom and did some other terrible things to her when I was about 21. Dani and I got her away from Dad and settled down, but when I was 23 she was in a car wreck and died. We never talked to Dad much after that, maybe on Holidays. Last I heard he was in a Veterans nursing home, but the last time I talked to him was 8 years ago."

He nodded adding a note, "Today is just to get more comfortable being here. If you have anything else to say the floor is yours for the next 20 minutes. Anything else exciting happen when you were a teenager?"

"You do know one of the reasons I'm here besides my PTSD right?" Annie asked, think he probably knew.

"Oh right. Joan informed me," He said confirming.

Annie nodded, "Well the first time I ever tried a pain pill as a narcotic I was 16..." And this was only the beginning of her 3 year battle with abusive substances.


	5. Chapter 5

Please let let me know what you think in a review

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"_Dani had moved away the previous year, she had been coming to see us every other weekend, but her life got busy and she hadn't been to visit in maybe two months. The past few days had sucked, I wasn't invited to homecoming, Mom and Dad argued constantly, and on top of that I was informed that we had to move again, to Jordan I think. It would have been the third move this year and school would be over in 3 weeks, so Dad told me we would stay until school let out for the summer," Annie took a deep breath._

_Martin interjected, "So I'm taking it this part is when the pills come in?"_

_She nodded taking a moment to organize her thoughts, "Dad had bruised some ribs the previous year, and the doctors have him some hydrocodone. I just took one... The first day._

_"Then I took two the second day, and three the third. I was taking 3 a day when I ran out. For me it wasn't a big deal because I knew people, my friends, that could get me more... So they got me more. From there things got so much worse," She trailed off swallowing around the tightness in her throat not being able to continue._

* * *

It was a week later and she was on her way to get lunch before going back to see Martin when she overheard the conversation. It was Arthur and Ryan McQuiad.

"Why not?" Arthur asked almost stunned, "Annie likes the field, she belongs there. Technically she's not officially banned from all field work. Dead drops are an option," He argued, "Joan even agrees that keep her here is too suffocating."

She could feel Mc Quaid shake his head even though she couldn't see it, "Look Arthur you and Joan have known Annie much longer than I have and if you think that is best, do it. Before you do consider this, sure, of course Annie has made some great breakthroughs this year. But I've been there almost every time to save her ass. Annie is shaky right now, even at her best. She wants to push her emotions to the side, but on every mission she finds emotions bubbling under the surface, you can't maintain a cover and fight a battle inside your self at the same time. What made Annie good is that she had a head she used, but her actions stemmed from the heart, her gut instinct made her good. She used to be good at the field, but now she doesn't know how to live without it. It's not just a job for her it's a way of life. Until she can find her true life, and old Annie, under my authority she wouldn't be in the field. She's still got the potential she just needs help getting her life back on track," He said and turned walking out the other door.

Annie leant against the wall sighing, that was the perfect description of her screwed up self. Her thoughts getting jumbled inside get head. It was hard to keep things straight it felt like.

"Oh Annie?" Arthur said and she physically jumped.

"Oh uh hey," She said trying to play it casually.

"How much of that did you hear?" He questioned.

"Enough," she have him a grim smile not knowing what to say or do next, "I, I have to go to my appointment," she held up the notebook and scurried away.

Arthur frowned, eavesdropping on that conversation sure wasn't going to help her state of mind.

* * *

"I decided to right stuff down in a notebook like you suggested," Annie declared almost triumphantly, she knew that her first appointment wasn't going to be that helpful but over the last week or so off field her mind felt so much more refreshed, she was determined to 'fix' herself.

"Okay and what have we wrote?" He asked writing something on the clipboard.

"Okay you said to write any topics that was bothering me down and then write why, that parts a little more confusing, but the songs that I can relate to thing was easier. I found 2 songs and I think really fit."

She took a second opening the notebook, "Trouble Is by Allison Iraheta. Sober by Pink.."

"Interesting choices I haven't even heard of any of those," Martin observed out loud, "why those?"

"Um.. Trouble Is describes Auggie and our fucked relationship. I love him I think he loves me, but I thoroughly think to have this damn job, it's impossible to tangle your self around someone inside the agency, and impossible to get involved with one that doesn't know about it. I think that loving someone only hurts you, but it hurts that person so much more."

"Why? What caused this epiphany? Obviously this hasn't always been your thoughts."

Annie sighed this was going to be a long session. "Aug and I were great, really amazing friends. I had cared for him as much more than a friend long before he had considered dating me, seeing him with other people hurt. Us being in different divisions pulled us apart thread by thread.

"Aug was around a lot and helped me through many things after... I got shot. I always saw people judging me about it, but never him. As we got closer the threads that had been broken came back to together but with a new more intricate pattern.

"I had always let my heart lead me and my brain help me, just going with emotions. I went to Russia, violated Auggies trust and ignored his pleading. This was were the first knot in the thread was.

"Soon after the thread became tighter, and better than ever. The thread found a different, and for awhile, better path. Then they hit a new fabric. Auggie thought it was best not to be together because work kept pulling us apart.

"It hurt so bad. I think that is the first time I saw how different my relationship with Auggie had been than with other guys like Simon and Ben. Ours was complex, yes, but so much more real and true.

"Then I Ieft again just like Russia, except so much differently, and since then everything has gotten to a whole new level of complex. I hurt Auggie repeatedly, I was never a major help for him, he always helped me even when we were fighting. I just feel so guilty every time I see him, knowing it was my doing and that I put him through so much. It's easier to push the guilt away than confront it. It's easier to get rid of the emotions, even if I have to sacrifice love," She sighed.

"It's also good to talk. Auggie keeps you in his life for a reason. If he loves you and you love him back, but your not together I can see how that could create a barrier. While this is talking, talking with subject would be much more beneficial. Have you had any discussion with him about this since returning?"

Annie shook her head biting her lip nervously.

"That's this weeks mission than. Even the best of best spies can't keep everything bottled up forever, it's unhealthy."

"What happens after it's bottled up for to long?" Annie asked curiously. She knew it was bad to keep it inside, but she was just wondering how he would handle the situation.

"You explode."

Annie had no idea how close she was to exploding.


	6. Chapter 6

Annie ignored Martins statement and went on with her isolated life. Ignoring Auggie and anyone else as much as she could.

It was three days after her appointment, and being behind a desk had made her irritable. Today had been the worst she felt so conflicted by 3pm she wanted to strangle someone.

She was delivering a coffee to Auggie, and he had made one of his little quips, something about her without field work. Annie didn't even remember what it was, but she lost it. It was times like these she was thankful he kept the blinds down.

"I hate this," She told him raising her voice and slamming her hand on his desk. He snapped his head up, alert.

"I hate this. I hate us, I hate working paperwork, I hate feeling so damn useless, I hate keeping secrets, I... I hate my life! I hate feeling doomed. I, I have always known want to do, No matter where I'm at or how tough of a situation I'm in I know I can make it. Im determined. How the hell can you be determined when you have... Whatever the hell I have. When you have something so... So," She broke, exploded, silent tears running down her cheeks as she realized what she was going to say.

"So impairing?" Auggie questioned finding her and holding her. She hugged him back until he was almost having trouble breathing. She nodded against his chest so quickly she hoped he hadn't felt it.

"We should talk, but I don't want eyes watching," He grabbed his cane.

* * *

"Beer?" Auggie asked once they were seated at his place.

"Uh... No thanks," Annie's voice was thin and shaky.

Auggie sighed.

"I'm sorry," Annie murmured quietly sounding like a child.

He found her hand, and looking in the direction of her face, " I'm not upset Annie. I don't know what kinda angle your going at with this no feelings thing. Obviously you have feelings on the wrong side of where they should be."

"I...I just," She got out running a hand over her face, "I just don't want to care anymore. I don't want to feel guilty when I hurt you, or scared when the nightmares come back. I don't wanna hope to do something I'll never be able to do. I don't want to hurt you at all, or anyone else, but I do. I have so many times. And... I'm still sorry... I didn't want to drag you into my mess."

"Thank you," Was all he let out at first. Now it was her turn to look stunned, "Annie thank you for trusting me, and your never going to lose me by telling me the truth, no matter how ugly. Thank you for trying to keep my safe no matter how much it hurt me. I could blame you for hurting me, but I don't I see that you were only looking out for me. You look out for me without treating me like a two year old, and that's something I have always wished for. You treat me like I'm normal, like I'm not blind."

Silence settled on the room aside from Annie's sniffle as she finished wiping tears off her face.

"I know your not ready to leave the field, but someday you'll have the choice to get back in it, some of us don't."

"When I was gone I had so much time to think, too much time. I let my thoughts lead me, and they lead me to some pretty dark places. It's like I'm starting in hole and pushing myself up."

"Changes no matter how big or small force us to start at the bottom and work our way up," Auggie voiced.

Annie moved her feet under her, not relinquishing her hold on Auggies hand, she laid her head on the couch close to Auggies neck.

"I did some pretty scary things when I was dark. Things that killed people, hurt people. Things I don't even know how I did, things I don't know how I knew to do. I spent months alone only relying on myself. I don't know what I thought would be different when I got back. I thought," She trailed off squeezing his hand.

As out if sync as the pair were, he still read her like he could on their first day, "You thought you wouldn't be just an operative, you thought you would be treated different. You know there's nothing wrong with wanting that, but... You've never been that person that likes others attention," He spoke his thoughts running out loud,"Joan. You have always craved her appreciation. She treats you different now but..."

"It's just I killed a lot of people for you, Arthur, Teo, Joan, and McKenzie. I mean I... I do regret killing people in cold blood like I did. But I did it because I want to... Protect you guys, not because I had to but," She let out her true inner thoughts.

"You wished Joan would've thanked you more personally. You wish that you two were closer like Joan and I are. You know that's not to much to ask. You probably think wishing for that is stupid, but it's not. If Joan's ever going to be close to anyone it's you," Auggies finger traced over her thumb.

"At the beginning she was more of a mother to me than I ever had. I just... Don't even know."

"Annie, whatever you need we'll fix it. You need a life, and we can make you that. Just promise me whatever kind of life you have, I can be in it," he said seriously.

She smiled, "of course," she leaned over resting her head on his neck and kissed his cheek.

"You know you can talk to me whenever instead of just randomly erupting in my office.

"I know," Annie nodded against him,"I know that now."


	7. Chapter 7

Please let me know what you think by reviewing!

* * *

Auggie sighed and leaned his head against his couch. He loved Walker, but life was much simpler when she wasn't there. Yet he wouldn't trade it for the world.

He had lived his whole life on the line for something, the military and the CIA. He didn't regret doing it, he believed in it, and loved it. He knew Annie felt the same way as him.

Sure Auggie was only a year older, but he still had more experience in some things. Annie had been in the field for 4 years, she had seen and done things Auggie never imagined doing. But they were both killers, they both had done things they weren't particularly proud of.

They were there for each other was a big factor in their relationship. Almost always except for when Annie had gotten involved in Simon, she and Auggie had been there for one another.

Joan had told Auggie that Annie needed someone to ground her. Now, Annie is grounded for the most part, but when her life seems to twist she has Auggie there.

"Auggie?" Joan asked pulling out a chair the next week at some kind of diner, Auggie had requested they meet.

"It's been awhile since we have done this," Auggie smiled.

"Yep. It sure has,"Joan agreed not sure what to make of this.

"When's the last time you talked to Annie?" Auggie asked out of the blue once drinks were ordered.

"Yesterday we talked. I'm her sponser," Joan stated referring to NA which Auggie was informed of Annie. Annie had admitted to slipping up in the past few days, something she was very upset about when she consoled in him, and Joan had her going to NA meetings.

"I know, but when is the last time you guys really talked. As friends or not about work and pills?"

"I, I don't know. I guess maybe before she went dark, or no when she was dark" Joan squinted even though Auggie couldn't see it.

"And when's the last time you talked to her like maybe said you appreciated her work with Henry, or thanked her?"

"What does this even matter?" Joan asked not answering the question.

"Annie cares about you as more than a sponsor and boss. I know you feel the same way about her, but she..." Auggie trailed off with a sigh not sure how to finish, "she thinks that you don't care about her as much. She thinks that... You think she's just a killer. We'll her words might have been 'messed up murderer' but," Auggie quit again as Joan began.

"She said that?" Joan asked almost alarmed.

"She meant it as a joke, but I didn't take it as one," Auggie agreed.

"I just don't understand why she didn't confide in me in the beginning. Did she not trust me enough?" Joan let out her own concerns.

"Annie's always trusted you. She hates to worry you though. She didn't want to drag you into her life, she didn't even want to tell me. You have a baby, and she didn't want you to lie for her. She said that you've dealt with her enough in the past 4 years she didn't want you to have to put up with her longer."

"I just wish she could've told me. I could have helped," Joan said, "What do we do?"

"I have an idea," Auggie said, "when I was trying to cope with loosing my eyesight I was a terror to be honest. I didn't trust people to guide me, and I was still that independent person. Of course I was forced to therapy, and once I got used to the idea of therapy my Mom, Dad, and two brothers came with me. It was easier to learn trust in therapy where I felt open. We practiced guiding around the office, and actually communicating in others ways. It was definite progress."

"So you suggesting that we go to therapy with Annie?"

"Not really. Annie's scared of hurting other people. She's hiding her emotions and hoping people don't care about her. I think we should make our own therapy up of all the people that do care. You, Arthur, maybe mac, probably Ryan, Eyal, call Danielle... And anyone else."

"You know," Joan started.

Auggie finished, "Suprise birthday party?" Referring to her 35 birthday in a little over a week.

"Totally," Joan agreed feeling happy to be helpful.

Now came the most difficult part; pulling this off without Annie finding out.


	8. Chapter 8

NO ONE has been updating! Sorrry... I just feel like not many people have been into updating CA Fics. I really look forward to them, but a lot of the good ones have ended like Left Turn Alone and Escape Clauses. Can't wait to see more of 100 things about Annie, First, Ignited, and Codename Krakatoa. Anyway without further ado...

* * *

"Hey Danielle," Auggie said into the phone.

"It's not Danielle, it's Chloe," A girlish voice answered.

"Wow Chloe you've really grown up. Do u you remember me? I'm Auggie," He asked.

"Yeeess I think sooo. You were at that place we went to for Aunt Annie. Momma doesn't like it when I talk about her, it makes her sad... But guess what!? I turn thirteen in a week."

"Really wow that's awesome; now can I talk to your Mom?"

"Of course," Auggie sensed she was running down a hall before she passed her Mom the phone.

"Hello?" Dani asked

"Alright remember when we had a conversation months ago that started with I need to tell you something?"

Danielle sighed, "Yes and it's been almost a year," Her voice quivered.

"Is there anyway I could ask you to just think about what I'm about to say. Don't yell or scream or get mad or anything," Auggie said realizing he had no idea what to say. This was difficult no wonder Annie left it up to him. This was harder than saying she was dead.

"Annie was never dead," He finished lamely.

He heard a hiss, then a big intake of breath. "Your lying."

"No," Auggie let out sternly, but not rudely, "I've been a liar, but I'm not lying now."

"But... But," Her voice of laced with tears and disbelief.

"I don't know how to explain it to you. I really don't. The easiest thing to say is that Henry Wilcox the DCS, from a long long time ago was a very bad man. He would've probably taken over the world by now and killed Me, and lots of other people I care about. Annie stopped him, but to do it she had to die. I mean she's still alive, but she not doing well with the transition back she needs people that care," He laid it all out, waiting for her response.

"Uh, I I neeeed time. To process ... Things. Soo, uh, I'll call you back," Danielle said about to hang up.

"Wait we are throwing Annie a 35th birthday party. Next Saturday I need you there," Auggie let out wanting to say more.

"We'll see," She hung up. That went ,well, almost like he expected it to. Now onto Eyal, and then maybe Annie's father. But she hadn't spoke to him in like eight years so maybe not.

* * *

"Auggie," Annie called walking into the house. He tried to pretend like he was doing nothing, "I need to talk."

"Uh uh," Auggie nodded signaling he was listening as he came to sit by her on the couch.

"Am I ugly?" Her question was followed by his silence.

"What," He asked after the pregnant pause, his eyes squinting in confusing.

"I feel ugly," She continued her voice almost shaking.

Auggie sighed, where in the world had this come from. She had just came back from a therapy session, but he didn't expect to be bombarded with a vulnerable Annie.

He found her hand and slid it into his, "Annie, your the most gorgeous person I've ever met. Where did you get this impression at?"

"It's just... I don't feel pretty anymore. I can dress up and be pretty, but still just not feel the pretty confident walk I used to have. It's just guys don't really stare to much anymore. Like I can't use my looks to get a free beer, and...," He felt her shrug.

"And you don't feel pretty?" Auggie asked still not quite convinced that was the real problem.

"Yes," She said again her voice getting annoyed. Then she made a little noise before continuing, "I wanted to know something from McQuaid, and no matter how much I flirted with him he wouldn't tell me."

"In others words; this isn't really about you not being pretty. It's about not getting what you wanted?" He assumed out loud.

Annie sighed removing her hand from his but relaxing more and leaning against him," Maybe. I mean what I wanted to know wasn't really important. It was not like spy stuff, but... I guess ugly isn't the right word. I just feel old?"

"You mean you feel like your almost 35?" He tease.

"I feel like I've been alive for a thousand years. I've been through 4 lifetimes, and I'm still having to live."

"Exaggerate much?" He asked and Annie smacked his chest with a pillow, "touché."

Annie's thoughts collided again and her brain seemed to fog. Everything was so crazy sometimes she just had to organize her thoughts before she could go any further.

_Just take it one day at a time._

_There are people who need the field and there are people who are needed in the field._

_You explode _

_To beat the scorpion you have to become the scorpion._

_You will never loose me by telling me the truth._

_Because your a scorpion and everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie._

_I always choose you over the mission._

_Ms. Walker..._

At times like these were Henry's words whispered over and over in her mind it was so hard to concentrate on anything. She felt so alone, isolated, and on guard in these moments it didn't matter who or how many people she was with.

**Change**...

In just a few moments all of those thoughts flashed before her mind. She was so quiet Auggie could hardly hear her breath.

"Sometimes I feel like I've hit a force field. Not a brick wall that can be broken but something that can never be fixed right." She stated bluntly.

"Annie when you came to the CIA things were good. And they continued to be for almost three years. Right before that third year I told you things would never be the same after you shot someone.

"And since then you have gone through so much, too much. I'm not gonna lie you can't just ignore it and it can't be fixed. It will always be your past, but you can't live on it.

"I'm not saying ignore I'm saying talk through it. Those thoughts that haunt you? When you remember them talk through them, write them down and get them out.

" the past you can't change, and you shouldn't dwell on. It's okay to reflect on it until you feel like your not about to crack all the time, " He finished.

She snuggled into his side, eyes glistening, and whispered,"I swear your a mind reader," She then added, "how did we go from feeling ugly to the truth?"

Annie and Auggie both laughed. "Care to share?" Auggie said a few moments later.

"It's about Henry..." She began getting them a beer and turning the oven on for pizza. It was probably going to be a long night.


	9. Chapter 9

**hope u like it! I've worked on it most nights for the past week or so. Be sure to review :)**

"Whew," Talking to Joan was always stressful. She thought as she hung up and headed to a meeting the next week. Joan had gotten hung up on something and she was going to have to go to this one at a new location with different people without Joan, she was sufficiently freaked.

They started with names as always and went on to praying and then open sharing, meaning that anyone openly wanted to share their addiction origin or story could. Then they went in a circle where people could share as little or as much as they wanted.

"I'm Annie Walker," She started shakily repeating the speech she had memorized, "I,I was," she paused not continuing her routine speech, "I had been through some particular rough things physically, and was even more emotionally distressed and I resorted to drugs to ease the pain. The problem is it's only a temporary fix. The beginning is always hard I still haven't completely given up my daily fix. I have relapsed 3 times, only for a few days each, but the real origin of my addiction happened when I was seventeen." She ended not able to share her life story that she had only told a very small select group of people.

Soon later after having a small conversation with some other girl she found her way to Auggies house.

"Happy Birthday," a group of people called as she flipped the light switch on, and she was himself very shocked. Her eyes widened as they landed on Chloe and Katia from going over from Joan, Auggie, McQuaid, Eyal, a few friends from the office, Mack, Arthur... She settled on her nieces, her girls that had grown up so so much in the past year and a half.

She swallowed drop her bag and met her girls in the middle as they ran toward her. Crouching so that she could be face to face with them she showered them with kisses, and have a extended hug she looked them in eyes, "How have my wonderful munchkins been?"

"We aren't munchkins," Nine year old Katia said sounding exasperated but laughing, "we are young ladies."

"Oh I know your definitely young ladies!" Annie played along, "and your so grown and so tall, but" she reached both hands to tickle their sides and they giggled trying to to run out of her grasp, "a your still my little ticklish munchkins." She smiled broadly looking up at Danielle who was standing there expectantly.

"Uh I better get a hug," She put her hand on her hip speaking like she was getting on to one of the girls.

Annie's heart swelled, and she bound across the few feet separating them before throwing herself into her big sisters arms.

Suddenly she felt like a kid again, and never wanted to let go.

But in the end Danielle released her death grip and Annie reluctantly moved her hands, staying within inches of her sister they made their way to the couch and Annie's mind had time to click the pieces into, there was only one reason they would ALL be here...

Annie didn't have time to get mad or question the older ones because Chloe came running towards her and hugged her again, "Aunt Annie can I show you watch Katia and I got you, or made technically, for your birthday?" She asked excitedly.

Danielle looked at the girls surprised, she had no idea of any present from them, she had only told them they were going two or three days in advance.

"We actually made this awhile ago, we were gonna give it to you for your next birthday but it never got there... Anyway you told us a picture paints a thousand words so we have hundreds of thousand of words," Chloe finished as Katia brought the book to Annie.

"We didn't wrap it," Katia said a little sheepishly handing her the brown leather book. In the center was a picture of Katia and Chloe as kids, Chloe probably in 2nd and Katia in kindergarten.

"It's okay I'm sure I'm going to..." She was stunned as she flipped through the first few pages. They were her mom in highschool. Her as a baby. And many other special memories she held near her heart, "Love it," She whispered.

After looking through how amazing the first 10 pages were, mainly her and Danielle as kids and babies. Pictures she hadn't seen since they were taken, She put the book aside and wrapped get arms around the girls. Chloe on her leg and Katia in her lap, " It's perfect," She kissed them on the forehead I love it!"

"Sooo," Chloe wiggled her way out if her aunts hold," when can we have cake?"


	10. Chapter 10

A week later it was like the whole reunion had never happened Annie took a deep breath from the counter looking at the glass on the floor.

"Annie we all are worried about you."

"We want you to know we care about you"

"Aunt annie, Aunt Annie..."

At that time Annie was elated, bubbly, and beyond happy. She felt alive and capable, now she just felt depressed and worn out.

She was on desk work at the CIA, something she despised. She worked in the language department which wasn't a hard job. The problem was only 7 people in the team. 3 were out sick this week, and 1 had went in a mission. She ended up being the boss of the other two this week, thus having much more paperwork.

"I'm going to work. I called the car service," Auggie slammed the door. Annie slid to the floor as she looked up at the stove 4:38 am; way to early. She blew the hair out of her face as what had went on just minutes earlier echoed in her mind.

2:47 am

Annies shot up; out of bed. She hadn't had a nightmare sleep just wasn't successful tonight.

"Annie, are you okay?" Auggie asked.

"Yah go back to sleep," she dismissed.

"Sorry," She called from the couch as he walked in a few minutes later.

"It's okay," He turned the coffee pot on, "I was thinking about talking about this a while ago and I figured why not at 3 in the morning. I wanna talk about Henry and you going dark."

But Annie wasn't really in the mood, "about me going dark or my decision to go dark?" She let out harsher than intended.

"Both. I just want to know if you understand how much your decision to go dark effected me. I just," He let his sentence trail off bring a cup of coffee to his lips.

"I understand how it affected you, and I really do regret it. I regret hurting you, but I don't regret my decision to dark dark," she brought her eyes up from the thread she was fiddling with on the blanket to see him, "and I know you understand that it affected me to; besides the entire life altering part.

"Killing Henry was something terrifying. Something I still feel like I may never come back from because to kill the scorpion you have to become the scorpion. And every word that comes out of the scorpions mouth is a lie," She still shivered, and her voice quivered enough for Auggie to notice.

"I'd never done that," She whispered looking back down at the blanket," I had never killed anyone in cold blood like that, but now I have. Everyone I've shot has had a weapon, or sensed I was going to shoot. Henry was unprepared. The worst part is.. I know what it feels like. In those few seconds of consciousness after getting shot; what it feels like to think 'this is it, I'm going to die'. I don't know.. I don't know how to live with so many weights."

It was obvious Auggie faltered, almost sympathizing, but to say what needed to be said he had to keep his emotions out, " Annie I don't think you do understand. You didn't just leave for a few months. You didn't just go dark, you put me in the dark. You died, you fucking died on me, for the second time. Even after you knew the full story about Helesa you died on me?!" He sounded pissed.

Annie tried to remain calm, "I just wanted, I-"

"You what? We could have found a different way, but no everything has to be done 'Annies way', uh? Do you think your agency was really going to honor you by going behind their back?" He accused still leaning against the counter.

This time when annie looked up from her blanket her eyes practically blazed, " no, don't drag the CIA into this. This has nothing to do with them. Do you really think there was another way? Henry was almost as ruthless as I am. I did all of these things for Joan, Arthur, Mac, all those other people... I did this for.. You," her voice broke in the last part and she had to force herself not to cry.

She wasn't just mad by his actions she was hurt in a way she thought her walls would never let her be hurt. She was guilty, she knew. She was ruthless; she admitted. Everything was her fault; she realized.

No matter how right the decision to go dark had seemed at the time, and no matter how many times she said she didn't regret it a part of her would always regret it. The human part, the part that loved, the part that had been destroyed, the part that belonged with Auggie.

Auggie was silent across the counter, " you think your ruthless?"

" I killed Henry in cold blood," She deadpaned.

"You just said you did it for me," He backfired.

"I originally did it for you. You guys are what kept me determined, but by the end I was alone; just trying to survive," Auggie silently admitted he was a little scared of how emotionless that sounded.

He would always believe there could've another route, but the past was the past. Now it was time to backtrack, or get Annie to freeze over the edge, to the point of breaking. She had been doing so good, but topics like this she had trouble with; she fell backwards into the old habit of ignoring the problem.

"Annie you do know I'm still grateful for all you did for me and us," He moved to the bar with the empty coffee cup in hand.

"Then why? Why the hell bring it up even, when all it does is make me feel like absolute shit," She stood and moved into the bathroom slamming the door.

He sat leaned against the bar for a few seconds before deciding he couldn't help her right now.

Just as the cup was about to go into the sink it slipped from his grasp and shattered over the hardwood.

"Shit," He hadn't dropped a glass in almost four years. He was trying to calculate where to step when he heard a door open, he froze turning toward it.

"I got it," Annie said determinedly, "you go get dressed or something. Go straight to your far right against the bar," she still sounded zombie like.

This day could go no where but up.


End file.
